Nod to Brian Wilson

Some days for no apparent reason I awake with a sensation of purpose and belonging. Often I credit it to a beautiful sunny blue sky day; my moods being prone to follow the cues from the atmosphere. The earth is a beautiful place and I am a beautiful creature. I affirm my place on this earth. The words from Desiderata surface from some recess in my mind: ...no less than the trees and stars you have a right to be here. I walk taller and consume more space. I become more friendly and eager to chat.  But as the day passes I begin to perceive that I'm infecting that good sensation with haughtiness and a kind of pride that I'm using to elevate myself or set myself apart from others. The good vibrations that serendipitiously graced me have become tainted with the defect of my insecurities. I've hijacked this unmerited gift and used it to feel advantaged. I'm still as removed as ever from people, but now with a cheerier disposition. It's as though I caught a killer wave and am surfing past the losers paddling below. I may be friendlier but I feel clever in my temporary perch.

I'm aware and disappointed at the same time that i will convert any good thing into fuel for my insecure ego. And that my ego tells me that to feel better I must feel removed and superior to others. I'm just another flawed human wishing to be called out as unique and special. I can't even trust myself to be pure of spirit to know that I didn't catch the wave--it caught me and that the ride is short.